Two.

Time heals some wounds.  Time can't heal scars though.  Even if the intial pain and shock has wore off, the deep gut feeling hasn't at all.  It wrenches at you because you think "Two years... two years that she hasn't been with us.  Physically has not been here".  That is enough to make it hit all over again.  

Last year, I was obviously very emotional, maybe even too emotionally confused and hurt and angry and sad, bout the world and life and fairness.  I still don't think that it's fair and I don't understand why.  I don't I ever will.

But if anything Erica truly has become an angel.  How many times has she helped me appreciate life, appreciate the ones I love, forgive easier, love more, take risks and chances, and just try not just be a better person, but feel good about yourself?  Her legacy, her kindness, her comforting words and hugs, and her adorable smile, I think me and anyone else could still picture it like yesterday.  

Sometimes it hits me like a train and sometimes I find myself staring out the window, spacing out, thinking about her.  I see her in all things beautiful and all things happy.  But I also see her in things that are tragic because it reminds me of her strength of everything she went through and she still managed to make everyone else smile.  Strong and beautiful.

It's almost like her beauty, her kindness and her sweet personality were the stuff of legends, fiction, a character you've always wanted to meet.  That's how I feel, that I want to sit down and have long chats with her about life and everything else.  I just wish so badly she was here and that she could give us a hug and tell us it's okay.  But it's not :(  I wish every year that somehow she'll manage to come back to us and it was a really bad nightmare.  I wish we could all just wake up.  

Two years ago, leading up to this day, the waiting, the hoping, the praying, I feel like everyone prayed so hard.  I never could even imagine or fathom that death was a possibility  it almost felt like a really bad joke when I heard the news.  How could it be real?  

I felt sad and my heart broke and it broke for everyone.  It broke for the people who met her and were influenced by her, it broke for her incredibly loving mom and her wonderful dad and her cute lil (well hes not so lil anymore) brother.  It broke for all her friends who loved her, it broke for her best friend who knew her better than anyone else, it broke for the people who didn't get to meet her but would love her.  

Will I ever accept the fact that my future will not have Erica hugs and smiles?  No, I can't see it that way.  She's always in my heart, in my decisions, and in everything good.  She has changed my life in such a way that I can't even believe.  I had been so negative for so long, but now I try to be happy, stronger, forgiving, and live life to the fullest.  I know I don't appreciate everyone that I care about or who care about me as much as I should, but I want everyone to know I do.  If I've had a kind interaction or I've told you I care about you, I really do and I'm sincerely sorry that I don't show it enough or in many ways!  I want to try to see people more, make memories, make laughter and smile and everything.  See life full of sunshine instead of grey.  Why else would I call her Little Miss Sunshine?  

It'll never be okay and I don't think I'll ever accept it to be okay.  It hurts, it'll always hurt, but at the same time, I am really comforted that she has such an influence on me and her life and her philosophy and what I've learned has made me see things more in the positive.  She'd want us to be happy, but she'll understand (at least she better!) that we have to sad sometimes :).  Missing her is just... sort of like that Walk to Remember quote:  "Her love is like the wind, I can't feel it but I can see it".

See her in everything good and do good, not for her, but for yourself.  If anything, we need to show appreciation to ourselves too!  Be kind to yourself :)  Be kind to others.  Give endlessly.  Gosh I love her.  

Two years doesn't feel real and in a way I'm glad that it doesn't.  Cause she'll always be with us, and it almost feels like she's really here physically.  Sometimes I wish time would go fast in reverse.  That would be more legit than time going by so fast forward.

Cheers to a beautiful life with a beautiful soul and words.  Let her legacy always be cherished.